It can be hard to keep up all that sugar and spice in your relationship. We get busy with jobs and kids and endless to-do lists, but according to experts, you get what you give when it comes to your relationship.
Being kind and loving on a regular basis is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship, says Jacqueline Olds, M.D., an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and co-author of Marriage In Motion: The Natural Ebb And Flow Of Lasting Relationships.
“You want to be practicing the art of being loving rather than always waiting to see if the other person is being loving enough,” says Olds.
It’s being loving yourself rather than expecting it from your partner that makes a relationship feel more robust. Love is a practice, and to keep it as a part of your relationship, you have to be participating in that practice.
Read More: Healthy, High-Quality Relationships Matter More Than We Think
Think in the Longterm
In modern times, we go through the trouble of having huge and extravagant weddings where we promise to love each other forever in front of family and friends. But every time we have a huge fight, we question the relationship and whether we should even be in it.
“It’s as if we hadn’t made this promise in front of a huge group of witnesses,” says Olds.
Divorce shouldn’t be something you consider every time you have a really bad fight because relationships ebb and flow, and that’s just part of life. Life is messy, and so are our relationships sometimes.
Having a strong sexual relationship is also helpful, says Olds, because it’s one of the few ways that we can have a reset. The release of hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin during sex is important for helping, especially women, feel more connected.
According to Harvard Medical School, “oxytocin, known also as the love hormone, provokes feelings of contentment, calmness, and security, which are often associated with mate bonding.”
Other forms of intimacy, like holding hands and cuddling in bed, are also important. “All of these things are incredibly important, and they have hormonal correlates that lead to feelings of well-being,” says Olds. With aging, as couples have less sex, they can maintain a great relationship through these other forms of intimacy.
Have Fun Even When Life Gets More Difficult
With all the seriousness and stress that can be a part of daily life these days, your romantic partner should be your solace at the end of the day, says Jaime Bronstein, licensed relationship therapist and author of MAN*ifesting.
“Your person should feel like home to you,” she says.
Avoid judging your partner and expect the same from them. This reduces relationship pitfalls like resentment and contempt. “It doesn’t mean that your partner is perfect because two imperfect people can be perfect for each other,” Bronstein says. “But it’s hard to be connected if you’re constantly judging someone.”
Keep things fresh by going on dates to new places. Don’t just go to the same restaurants, choose new places with menus that you haven’t explored, says Bronstein. If you like to go on walks together, choose a new route that you don’t normally take.
Remaining curious about one another and your life together keeps things exciting even after years of marriage. You may think you know everything about your spouse, but you don’t, so keep asking questions and keep listening to the answers.
Olds says that you should also set boundaries with your children. They shouldn’t be around all the time or getting in your bed early in the morning. Kids used to play together outside of the view of their parents so that parents had time together alone. And it’s this precious alone time that you need in order to reconnect and water the plant that is your relationship.
Read More: Why Are We Addicted to Love?
Article Sources:
Our writers at Discovermagazine.com use peer-reviewed studies and high-quality sources for our articles, and our editors review for scientific accuracy and editorial standards. Review the sources used below for this article:
Harvard Medical School. Love and the Brain
Jaime Bronstein, Licensed Relationship Therapist and Author of MAN*ifesting
Jacqueline Olds, MD, an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and co-author of Marriage In Motion: The Natural Ebb And Flow Of Lasting Relationships
Sara Novak is a science journalist based in South Carolina. In addition to writing for Discover, her work appears in Scientific American, Popular Science, New Scientist, Sierra Magazine, Astronomy Magazine, and many more. She graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Journalism from the Grady School of Journalism at the University of Georgia. She's also a candidate for a master’s degree in science writing from Johns Hopkins University, (expected graduation 2023).
